I haven’t been doing this long, but one thing I’ve already noticed about teens in foster care is this: most of them still have their mom in the picture. It’s the dad who’s usually missing. Either he was never really there, or they never even knew him.
That hit me hard. It helped me understand why they don’t always want to get close to me. They’re not looking for another parent. They want a friend. Someone safe, someone they don’t have to push against. And I get that. But the truth is, it’s not that simple.
Yes, I want to be their friend. I want them to laugh with me, feel comfortable, trust me. But I also know they need more. They need structure. They need someone to hold the line when life feels messy. They need an example of hard work, of showing up even when it’s hard, of pushing forward when the world feels unfair.
And then there are the teens who have freedom right at their fingertips. They’re the hardest. Boredom is their biggest enemy. They want independence, they crave it, and I have to step back and trust them with it—even when I have no clue what they’ll do. Sometimes I just pray they make the right choice. And when they don’t, I remind myself to be there anyway. To pick them back up.
They can be sneaky. Manipulative. They test me. But I’ve learned to see past that. Their behavior isn’t about me. It’s about the battles inside them. The walls they’ve built. What matters most is how I react. Do I get angry, or do I show them I can be steady, even when they’re not? Because once trust is broken, it’s almost impossible to earn back. And these kids have already had trust broken more times than anyone should. I won’t be another one who lets them down.
When I left home at 17, I was terrified. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. I didn’t have a guide. No example to follow. Survival just kicked in and I figured it out the hard way.
That’s why I feel this so deeply. I don’t want these kids to just survive. I want them to thrive. I want to be the example I never had. Someone who shows them they’re capable of more than the life they were handed. Someone who can give them love but also limits, laughter but also lessons.
It’s not easy, trying to be both friend and parent. Most days it feels impossible. But if I can be even the smallest bit of stability in their world, then maybe—just maybe—they won’t feel as lost
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